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After homicide
Learn more information about homicide loss and resources for survivors.
When a loved one has been murdered, surviving family members and friends experience a rush of emotions. Many experience symptoms of trauma alongside the grieving process, also known as “complicated grief”. The nature of homicide is that it is sudden, traumatic, violent, and often unanticipated. The sudden traumatic nature of the loss often rattles the surviving family member or close friends’ sense of safety, control and trust in the world around them. Additionally, losing a loved one by homicide is further complicated by the involvement of the criminal justice system and in some cases news media.
There is never a right or wrong way to react to the murder of a loved one. When we talk about grief, it is not uncommon to hear about the “stages of grief”. However, there are no specific steps you go through in any particular order. Everyone’s journey after the loss of a loved one by homicide is unique. Below is information adapted by the Wendt Center on Loss and Healing and VictimConnect Resource Center on Homicide and Grief on some of the common reactions, experiences, and coping strategies that survivors have shared following a loss of a loved one to homicide.
Common reactions and experiences following homicide
- Unable to understand or believe what happened to your loved one
- Helpless and powerless over your surroundings
- Preoccupied with your own personal safety and the safety of surviving loved ones
- As if you somehow could or should have protected your loved one from harm
- Haunted by images, nightmares, and flashbacks of the murder, even if you were not a witness
- Afraid/distrustful of strangers and worried that the perpetrator, or any perpetrator, will strike again
- Intense rage toward the perpetrator(s); anger in many forms even towards oneself
- A desire to avoid people and places that remind you of your loved one or of the homicide
- Physical symptoms, like head or stomach aches, difficulty sleeping, eating or focusing
- Blamed, isolated, exploited, or stigmatized by law enforcement, health care providers, news media, and your own friends and family
This is not an exhaustive list. There are many ways in which family and friends are impacted by the loss of a loved one by homicide.
Additional complications impacting the grieving process could be:
- The nature of the loss is sudden and traumatic leaving no time for goodbye or resolving unnecessary conflict
- Case remains unsolved, or their loved ones remains are still missing or unidentified
- The public nature of homicide and the impact the media may have on your loss
- The adversarial nature of the criminal justice process not necessarily providing victim families the wanted sense of relief or justice individually defined by survivors.
Please continue to scroll down and learn a bit more about some ideas around coping strategies following the loss of a loved one due to homicide, as well as some community resources that might support your during your journey.
Coping after homicide
Every day after the loss of a loved one to homicide can be rooted in challenges, pain, and grief. Initially the concept of coping and surviving alongside the loss can be challenge enough. Remember, there is no right or wrong way to grieve the loss of your loved one. Below are some ideas generated from other survivors and collected by the Wendt Center on Loss and Healing and VictimConnect Resource Center on Homicide and Grief who have been in similar situations and shared ideas of things that helped.
- Set boundaries with law enforcement officials, news media and even friends and family, whose initial interest and involvement may be intense and overwhelming.
- Address your trauma-related reactions (nightmares, flashbacks, fear, avoiding people and places, among others) and slowly begin to rebuild a sense of safety, most likely with the help of a mental health professional.
- Stay connected with friends and family. Allow those who are also grieving to support you, just as you support them.
- Some find it helpful to identify a trusted individual who might be able to assist in larger decisions or financial matters as mistakes can be made when you are not at your best.
- Create a ritual, religious or non-religious, in which you can safely say goodbye to your loved one.
- Regain a sense of control over your life by maintaining basic structure and routine. Try to get enough rest, eat proper meals and exercise regularly.
- Write down your thoughts and feelings. Keep a journal, write a poem, or write a letter to your loved one.
- Find a safe way to release your anger, perhaps in grief counseling or with understanding friends and family.
- Seek out others who can relate to how you are feeling, through a support group, therapy group or online community, aimed specifically for those coming with the homicide death of a loved one.
- Grieve in your own way, at your own pace. Not all those affected by homicide are the same or react in the same way. Try not to judge or condemn others for their individual grieving styles.
It takes time. If your case is involved in the criminal justice process remember it’s a marathon not a sprint. Give yourself grace and patience. Give those around you grace and patience too. There is no perfect easy path towards recovery and rebuilding a new normal.
Continue to scroll down to learn about potential community resources that might support you during this difficult time.
Resources
General resources
Washington State Crime Victim Compensation Program
This state funded program can assist family members of homicide victims with the various expenses associated with the death of a loved. Crime Victim Compensation (CVC) program is a payer of last resort, and you must meet eligibility requirements to qualify for their program.
Phone: 360-902-5355 or 1-800-762-3716
Email: CrimeVictimsProgramM@Lni.wa.gov
Community Services through 211
Phone: Call 211
Visit Community Services through 211 online
Victim Information Notification Everyday (VINE)
VINE is a free, secure, and confidential way to access custody status and criminal case information. Through secure registration you can receive notifications and stay informed on the custody status of a defendant or offender.
Therapy services
Please keep in mind it may take some time to find a counselor who is the right for you. Finding the right therapist that you can connect with and feel comfortable with is extremely important to your healing process. The initial screening is just as much about them getting to know you, as it is about you determining if it’s a good fit. You can always reach out to your victim advocate to explore what alternative options may exist.
Harborview Abuse and Trauma Center
Losing a loved one to homicide can be devastating. One of the many things you can do to help process your grief, is speak to a trained professional. Harborview Abuse and Trauma Center has specially trained therapists and counselors who have expertise treating patients who have lost loved ones to homicide. Located in Seattle, Shoreline and Bellevue but offers some telehealth.
Visit the Harborview Abuse and Trauma Center website
Phone: 206-744-1600
Speaking Trauma Therapy
Specialized trauma therapist experienced at supporting sudden traumatic grief and loss associated to violent death. Offers individual counseling and therapy groups. Located in Seattle but offers telehealth.
Find more information on the Speech Trauma Therapy website
Phone: 564-210-7035
Email: SpeakingTrauma@gmail.com
Support groups and community services
Evergreen State Chapter of Parents of Murdered Children (POMC)
A victim family support group for individuals who have lost loved one’s to homicide (currently not supporting families of vehicular homicide). Although the organization was founded to support “parents” the organization will support other relationships like sibling, child, etc. Currently support group meetings virtually each month, as well as some other peer led victim support services including one on one contact with peers over the phone. This organization is run by all volunteers. Please email or call information below
Visit the Evergreen State Chapter of POMC
Phone: 564-229-2841
Email: evergreenstatepomc@gmail.com
Harborview Violence Intervention and Prevention Services
Hospital-based intervention, referrals to community care for eligible clients.
Phone: 206-437-3848
Mother’s Against Drunk Driving (MADD) Washington
MADD provides direct services to victims and survivors of vehicular assault and homicide cases. They provide emotional support, resources, information, and assistance.
Go to the MAAD Washington website
Phone: 469-420-4544
Email: wa.state@madd.org
RISE: Resilient in Sustaining Empowerment
Rooted in Black resilience, RISE serves as a sanctuary for those bereaved by gun violence, offering healing, support, and empowerment, while promoting positive growth and identity for impacted families. We provide tools to assist in trauma recovery, healing-centered engagement, positive identity, professional development, and grief support for families impacted by gun violence.
Services Offered: Grief support group, basic needs support, mental health services, case management.
Phone: 206-257-6901
Email: admin@rise4us.org
Resources for children and teens
The Healing Center Seattle
Support group for grief and loss for children and families.
Find information on the Healing Center Seattle website
Phone: 206-523-1206
Bridges Center for Grieving Children
Bridges provides a safe place for you and your child to grieve. We support families with children between the ages of 4 and 18 who are grieving the death of a family member.
Learn more on the Bridges Center website
Phone: 253-403-1966
Post-sentencing and corrections resources
Washington State Department of Corrections Victim Services Program
Community Victim Liaisons through the Department of Corrections provide safety planning, notification, offender monitoring when offenders are sentenced to DOC for specific cases meeting criteria. Visit their website to learn more. Victims must register for notification; it is not automatic.
Go to the Department of Corrections Victim Services webiste
DOC also provides two facilitated communication programs through the Victim Offender Dialogue Program and The Accountability Letter Bank.
Phone: 1-800-322-2201
Washington State Department of Social and Health Services: Victim/Witness notification program
If you or someone close to you has been the victim of a sexual assault or a violent crime, information about the location of the person who committed this crime may be reassuring to you. The offender may be in a Washington state psychiatric hospital, a facility for juveniles or the Special Commitment Center for sexual predators. The Department of Social and Health Services has a program to notify victims or witnesses when the people who committed these crimes are released, transferred, or escape from any DSHS facility. Victim/Witness Notification is a confidential program. The person who victimized you will not know you are being notified and will not have access to your address or telephone number.
Find information about the Victim/Witness notification program
Applications for enrollment by be done online. Call or email for alternative options.
Phone: 360-902-7832
Email: vwn@dshs.wa.gov